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Episode One: Kit and Victoria are Certified Psychopaths


I feel like I should start this out with some judgements of Matt. I went into my first ever episode of The Bachelor really wanting to dislike him. Nothing against him personally, I guess I'm predisposed to not like anyone that feels like the only place they're going to find love is on a reality tv show. Especially when you're 6'5", an ex D1 college football player, and incredibly good looking. If this is the only place he can find love, well I guess I'm fucked.

As much as I wanted to dislike Matt, he started to win me over talking about his vulnerability issues that came from growing up with a single mother. I'm not a monster, I have feelings. Most people would probably deal with these issues by going to therapy, or maybe trying to put yourself out there in a relationship, and that's fine. But, Matt decided to do the most rational thing and have 30 relationships recorded on reality tv for the entire country to see. Some may judge him for this, but I see it as tackling your problems head-on.  

Limousine Entrances

Probably my favorite part of the first episode, the entrances. I've been told this is the first, and sometimes only, chance to make a big first impression that can make or break getting the first rose. I think there were definitely some stand-out entrances, some that were pretty cringey, and some that made me question what I was doing with my Monday night.

If I had to power-rank my top 3 entrances, I'd go with:

I was a diehard MJ fan from the start. Pulling up in a Jetta with a replaced bumper and not being able to open the backdoor stole my heart. I don't even remember the pun behind giving Matt a pizza, but if someone like MJ brings me a pizza she's getting a rose. 

Khaylah pulling up in an old truck was a power move. She kinda beat to death the fact that they're both from North Carolina, but hey, you have to make some connections he'll remember. I'm pretty sure every guy likes old trucks, and they like them even more if someone that looks like Khaylah is driving it. Also she drives stick. Not sure why I like that so much, but it makes her even cooler. 

Kaili's entrance was by no means the most creative or thoughtful. But even after spending the first 20 minutes of the episode trying to make Matt seem really deep, men are still simple creatures with very simple brains. She came up with some story about Matt picking out her dress for night, but I barely paid attention to that. I think Matt paid even less attention than I did. Her getting a rose was maybe the least surprising thing ever. 

I have to mention Katie's entrance. The whole vibrator joke wasn't too bad, but eventually it felt like they were just shoving it down our throats.. I can't hate too much though, it did make for a couple funny moments later on in the episode.

I could tell right away from Kit's entrance that she was borderline insane. I think within the first 3 minutes of her being there she mentioned that she loves being the center of attention, so I'm sure she's there for all of the right reasons, which made Victoria showing up even better. 

Victoria showing up on a throne carried by 4 ABC workers that probably hate their job was hilarious to me. Imagine getting an internship with ABC thinking you're getting your foot in the door in the television world, only to have to carry some delusional 30 year old that calls herself the queen on a throne. I haven't decided if she's more out there than Kit, but there's something off about her. I have no idea if she's actually a queen, or just crazy. I don't want to look it up at this point, because not knowing is what makes it so fun. 


The best moment of the night was when Matt walked in to give his big speech. He mentioned for maybe the 100th time that he's looking to be more vulnerable and open up to people. I think we found our theme for the season. He really has to unpack himself. A lot of unpacking going on here. Then, asking everyone to join him in prayer while there was a giant dildo suction-cupped to the coffee table was absolute gold.

I really appreciate the dynamic going on between Kit and Victoria. Victoria announced that the queen was here when she first walked in, and Kit took that as a personal attack for some reason.

 I don't think anyone was surprised that Victoria got the last rose. There's not a single chance that Matt would ever give a rose to Victoria. The look on his face when he gave her the last rose was the least genuine thing I've ever seen. The producers definitely saw some great content possibilities between Victoria and Kit, since they are both bananaland crazy. We can just pretend that Matt actually made the choice to give a rose to someone that wants to be called queen over a professional ballerina.

Giving out the first impression rose to Abigail was spot on. She could not have been more awesome. You have to admire how open she was about her disability and that was definitely what Matt was looking for after mentioning being vulnerable every other sentence. You gotta think she's a favorite to win at this point.

I do feel bad for everyone that got sent home on the very first show. Traveling across the country, getting numerous covid tests, and quarantining just to go home immediately has to blow. Hopefully they got some Instagram followers out of it. 

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the bonus stuff at the end of the episode got me pretty excited. I know this is the first time I've watched, but women showing up in the middle of the season can't be normal. I'm sure all of the other women are going to take this well and it won't cause any problems.   

I'll cya next week for more hard-hitting, spot on reactions.


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